Forget Han Solo’s solo plunge in The Force Awakens, Fredo’s boat ride in The Godfather II, or Old Yeller’s final yip-yips. Those were sad, but in retrospect, a little funny. Less so are these upsetting movie moments that have left us haunted beyond mere words:
Herbie the Love Bug 4: Hug-a-Bug: Nobody can deny that the fourth modern sequel in the Herbie series contained a winning combination of Volkwagens and automotive empathy, especially with a script penned by Oprah Winfrey. Sadly, her schedule commitment required Dr. Phil to complete the narrative, resulting in ugly third-act developments. Talk about a fist to the plexus when Herbie is crushed by a tank, cubified in a junkyard compactor, and displayed as modern art in that rich douche’s condo. Ouch. But the worst is when the wealthy dingbat and the hookers snort cocaine off of Herbie’s mashed fender. They don’t even care about art-market resale value.
Freaky Friday Pt. 2: Stupid Saturday: They took a winning combination and ruined it by attempting to cater to the thrill-seeking teen market. I was particularly surprised when Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis switch bodies but then a housefly gets in the way, so each is merged into a fly-human hybrid and slowly their fingers and body parts fall off. Ugh, it was disgusting. I almost esophagated my Oreos when Geena Davis showed up and blew them away with a shotgun.
The Departed 2: Just a Bunch of Undercover Cops Being Shot in the Head in Elevators. I felt like this The Departed sequel was just a cash grab, and they didn’t even do anything new. The first couple of undercover cops shot in the head in just-opening elevators was surprising, but after about 15 minutes it was like, is that all ya got? On the positive side, it was satisfying at the end when Mark Wahlberg sneaked into all the apartments to shoot all the people who shot all the undercover cops in all the elevators. Unfortunately, the closing shot with all those rats on all those balconies was a tad trite. The Boston accents almost made up for it, especially when that gaggle of hesitant lady psychiatrists committed multiple conflicts of interest by dating scads of post-traumatically stressed, strapping young staff sergeants to whom they were prescribing anxiety meds. Hawt.
Tár 2: Tár’s Baby. First, I have to hand it to the producers for having the cojones (is that the right word when referencing Lydia Tár?) to title their sequel with a reference to the controversial Disney film Song of the South. But it makes sense considering that the story pays homage to Rosemary’s Baby, only instead of insemination by Satan it’s by the ghost of Leonard Bernstein. Bradley Cooper is a trouper, reprising his Maestro transformation as Cate Blanchett’s ultimate party pooper in this asphalt-slick Tár-de-force, recalling the high points of both Gaslight! and Pillow Talk. The devastating ending, which is one part Cyrano and one part Mad Max: Fauré Road, contains one of the most musically erudite and still grossest uses of tarmac in cinematic history.
The Lion King 2: Timon and Pumbaa’s Perfect Murder: I did not see it coming when Timon and Pumbaa invite that doe-eyed zebra to their dinner party and end up strangling it and hiding it in a footlocker, on top of which all the food is served to subsequent party guests. The movie gets kinda talky, but I like when Simba shows up and starts to question Timon and Pumbaa about their philosophy of Nietzsche and the Circle of Life, and Pumbaa kind of freaks out and yells that he never strangled a giraffe, then awkwardly resumes playing an etude on the piano. Then Simba discovers they murdered the zebra and tells them the Circle of Life is going to wring their necks. Holy mane-mange, what a tense movie. All shot in long takes without edits, which might have been impressive were it not animated.
Uncut Gems Part 2: More of Adam Sandler’s Colonoscopy Video. What surprised me here wasn’t the terrible fate of Sandler suddenly at the end of Uncut Gems (Part 1). It was that he had another colonoscopy scheduled, and in spite of his geologically inert condition, the doctors went ahead and put the camera inside him anyway, because the colonoscopy was pre-paid. The other big surprise was when they found more opals up in there. He was a pretty sneaky character.
Care Bears Meet Cabbage Patch Kids in the Teletubby Forest. I thought this was supposed to be a cute movie for kids. But the sudden death of Tinky-Winky totally shocked me. It wasn’t just that Tinky-Winky died, but the way it happened with him falling off My Little Pony and impaling his eyeball on that unicorn horn. And the blood. So much blood.
